tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13354591393738181572024-03-13T01:36:09.100-06:00ME 4.0!One girl's quest for happiness
(and all the idiotic detours along the way)Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-83698783939077070102020-09-13T04:17:00.003-06:002020-09-13T04:17:33.324-06:00Lonely<p> 😥</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-30974585313451847582020-05-04T19:13:00.001-06:002020-05-04T19:13:04.441-06:00Been trying to make use of all the "extra time" by working on my writing. My sister is hard at work finishing up the cover and map for book 1, and then it will all be up to me to get over my fears and actually get started on publishing. That's right. After EIGHTEEN years (yikes), I am finally close to putting the first part of my life's work out there for the world (hopefully) to see.<br />
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As for book 2? Of course I've already started :) I recently completed chapter 10, and am thrilled with how it came out. And with how much quicker I write these days. I started this series as I was getting ready to graduate from university, and looking back, I sure had no idea what I was doing. It's taken a LOT of hard work, but I really am proud of what I've created<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-69765831489494977172020-01-07T00:00:00.001-07:002020-01-07T00:00:41.478-07:00It is done . . .. . . time for ice cream<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-92078186486479425762020-01-06T23:06:00.003-07:002020-01-06T23:07:47.622-07:00And here we are...In a little over an hour it will be my birthday. My 40th birthday. It is a day that (despite all logic and common sense), I never thought would actually arrive. And quite frankly? I am NOT amused. I am too young to be this old. I haven't accomplished anything that I wanted to do by the time I reached "middle age". If I wasn't so dejected I'd be crying right now. Heck, I WANT to cry, but my stupid antidepressants won't even let me get that right<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span><br />
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So anyway, I'm sitting here all alone next to a Christmas tree that has also seen better days, with the mundane sound of my laundry running in the background, and I'm trying to psych myself up for attempt number one zillion at getting a life. They say it begins at 40 right? Well I'm gonna put that theory to the test<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">! </span><br />
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On the other hand, I still don't WANT to be this old<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span> So I've decided that since I was born in January of 1980, I was born in a leap decade<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span> (It could be a thing<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span>) Which means that in 67 minutes I will be 4 birthdays old<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span> Hah<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span> Still younger than my brother who was born on February 29th and is about to turn 11<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">! </span> I will be 4.0<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span> A newer and better version than 3.9 and DEFINITELY better than 2.1 or (yikes<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span> Beta<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span>) 0.6.<br />
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This is the year I intend to FINALLY get my book published. (I'm sooooooooooo close<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span>) I will FINALLY get off my butt and get into shape. (I'm sooooooooooo NOT close<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span>) And hopefully I will also find a little bit of self-respect<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span> (I'm sooooooooooooo confused by the concept<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span>)<br />
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And in the meantime, I will try to actually post once in awhile. (Woohoo<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span> Over 2 years since I last bothered<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span>)<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-38092989486531834812017-08-14T17:38:00.005-06:002018-12-17T03:17:27.395-07:00There is nothing quite so special as lunch with your sweet sister...<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-80963286191247792712017-08-12T22:53:00.000-06:002018-12-17T01:56:18.880-07:00Milestone?So tonight I ran to the Walmart to pick up a few things. It was supposed to be a quick in and out trip, 30 minutes at the most. But instead, I ran into a friend and ended up standing there, talking and laughing while her eleven year old daughter waited with anxious boredom, for almost an hour.<br />
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I am officially old. And I think I may be my mother now too...<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-50717147089415660852017-07-29T16:55:00.001-06:002018-12-19T20:50:26.328-07:00First Good Day In Months... So Far...Just got back from having lunch with my two oldest friends. We grew up together and were once the three musketeers, but now we're lucky if we get to see each other once a year.<br />
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It was super fun, and super relaxing, and most of all, it was nice to just get out of my head and be free from anxieties for a few hours.<br />
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Nothing like childhood friends to make you feel like a kid again...<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-71904132890918550132017-07-23T16:28:00.000-06:002017-07-29T16:48:31.066-06:00Still lostAnother week down, still very confused by my current state of being. I don't really know if I'm coming or going anymore. Been fighting off panic all week long over very stupid things which must be dealt with sooner or later, but I just can't face them yet.<br />
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And I'm still very weirded out by the lack of physical response to my panic...<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-8071329331799395502017-07-16T20:15:00.001-06:002017-07-16T20:15:54.089-06:00The Fear Won...Luckily I have an awesome family who kept my head above water and refused to let me drown (metaphorically). They firmly pushed/prodded/dragged me to see a doctor, and I have now been on anti-anxiety/depression meds for 2 weeks.<br />
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Are they helping? I think so. I can get out of bed, and I don't feel the weight of the universe trying to smother me anymore. But the panic has not gone away in entirety. At this moment I am again fighting off another attack. <br />
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I still need to learn how to battle my triggers and defend against my own negative thoughts. <br />
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This is a strange journey that I never thought I would find myself undertaking. I am utterly terrified, and yet, because of the meds, there is a strange chasm between my feelings and my physical self that is very foreign. Which naturally adds even more to my fears.<br />
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"Curiouser and curiouser," said Alice.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-40757949987956405872017-06-10T18:49:00.000-06:002017-06-10T20:00:25.262-06:00Not been a good day (week) (month)<br />
The Fear is <a href="http://www.haveabanana.net/2017/02/dont-let-fear-win.html"><u>winning</u></a><br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-50984299588857158542017-05-11T09:43:00.000-06:002017-06-10T19:00:21.076-06:00Lessons the hard way<div style="line-height: 1.1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Yesterday I shot myself in the foot. Not literally, of course, but the self-sabotage was absolutely real.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">You see, for years, I've driven the same route to work in the mornings. Then, last week, because of construction, I was forced to take a different way altogether. And this new route turned out to be three minutes faster<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">!</span> So, naturally, I decided the new way would be my new usual.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">That brings us to yesterday. I had first period prep (no students - preparation time), so I decided to sleep a little longer and go in a little later. Well, as I finally got on the freeway, I looked out to see how full it was, and I panicked. All the cars were moving, just slowly. No reason to panic at all. But my head said "Yikes<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">!</span> You'll be stuck<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">!</span> You'll be late<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">!</span>" So I immediately got right off again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But, of course, getting off took me in a whole new direction. I had to take a rather round-about way just to get back to my old route, and in doing so, I added a good ten minutes to my journey. During those extra minutes I had a good think, and I realized that the slow down was likely cause by a major exit to another freeway (just a couple miles down the road) and that traffic almost certainly sped up once it passed that crucial point. So my panic was for nothing<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And here's the really sad part. If I had just had a little courage, just an eensie bit, I could have BEEN THERE in the same time it took me to get back on that safe, familiar road.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Life lessons? Probably a million. But here's the three I take away from the whole debacle.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">1. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;"><b>Don't panic.</b></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b> </b> <i>The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy </i>knew what it was talking about. Panic gets you nowhere. Of course, this is easier said than done. I panic easily. I'm like Scaredy Smurf, only less confident. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">2. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;"><b>Don't second guess yourself.</b></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> First instincts are often correct, and doubt usually just makes things fall apart. If you put thought into making the original decision, trust your judgment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">3. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;"><b>Sometimes your comfort zone is the worst place you can be.</b> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Going back to what used to work can't always save you from new troubles. In fact, sometimes it just makes things worse. Holding still might save a rabbit from being discovered by a predator, but in the middle of the highway it just leads to roadkill.</span><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-23748886152156501572017-05-09T09:45:00.001-06:002017-06-10T19:01:52.884-06:00Epihany or not<div style="line-height: 1.1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Almost a two month blogging dry spell. Not the most auspicious start to my grand re-do... I think that's because I put too much pressure on the whole idea. I wanted this blog to be an awaking or maybe an expression of some deep personal revelation. But of course that was an entirely unrealistic expectation. A person can't plan intimate moments of clarity any more than they can plan a poker hand or a roll of the dice. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I think I've watched </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Sabrina</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> and </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Julia and Julia</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> too many times. I've read Walden and watched all the PBS reality shows about immersing yourself in another time or culture. I love to watch and experience other people have defining moments and life-changing experiences, and I guess that, foolishly, I was just hoping for one of my own. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But that isn't the way life works. You can't mark on your calendar "today I will have an epiphany that will change my whole outlook on life, the universe, and everything". </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I tried that once before, and it was a disaster<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">! </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Six and a half years ago I had the opportunity to go to New York and work as a nanny. New York is almost synonymous with such dramatic realizations, and I was certain that I would find myself there. I would spend time in the "Metropolitan Mecca", going to museums, theatres, central park, and all the famous restaurants I had seen on the Food Network. I would meet interesting people and discover courage and humanity in myself that I never knew existed. I wanted to transform from a fat ugly caterpillar into a magnificent butterfly.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Well, I went to the museums. And I went to central park. I went to F.A.O Schwarz and Dylan's Candy Bar, and China Town. I went to the Bronx Zoo, and I rode the subway. I even got asked for directions by a tourist<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span> But not only did I </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">NOT</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> have that wonderful "a-ha moment" I was hoping for, I had an entirely different kind of metamorphosis<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I won't go into the details, because they aren't really necessary to my point, but when I had finally had enough and boarded a plane to come home, I was a shell of my former self. I had lost all hope in humanity as a whole and had developed an almost PTSD reaction to any kind of conflict. Seven years later I still have panic attacks any time I hear even the most mild disagreements. I can't watch the news, because all the "talking heads" with their loud opinions and bad manners send me running for cover. And all my years of watching </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Law and Order</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> and </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">CSI</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> have filled me with nightmare scenarios that are burned into my brain and make me look over my shoulder when I'm out and pray for my family's safety any time they run to Walmart for milk.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">So, long story short, I am very broken. Working on it... but still broken. And somehow I was blinded to the irony that I was once again seeking for grand transformation in a place outside myself. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">A blog can certainly have that effect. It can be a place for self-reflection and meditation just as easily as it can be for entertainment and enjoyment. What it can't be, however, is deliberate. And by that I mean, it cannot be a forced cure. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Modern media makes such epiphanies seem common and guaranteed. We grow up waiting for our moment in the mental sunshine, when all of life's confusions come into glorious focus. Even the most cheesy and humble of Hallmark's holiday films has that telling scene where the hero or heroine looks up at the stars and realizes how wrong they have been about everything and know that, if they will just open themselves up to love, the universe will make everything all right. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But of course, fiction is fiction. It's lovely, but it's not real. Such moments of realization can happen, of course. And seeking for them is a lofty goal. That is why the self-help section at Barnes and Noble is so huge. And that is why there are so many communes and retreats, gurus and life-coaches. But </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">achieving</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> that goal is not a guarantee. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">There are any number of people who live their whole lives and never figure out why on earth they do what they do or even why they should keep on doing it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And no, what I've been mulling over in this post is </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">NOT</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> some sort of religious awakening. A person can be deeply faithful, rock solid in their beliefs about God (or not God), and still be entirely lost when it comes to themselves. Yes, some people do find that sense of self through spiritual awakening, but for others, that is not the road to </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">personal</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> enlightenment.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">And so far, I am not one of those people. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Does that mean it will never happen for me? Of course not<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">! </span>But this brings me right back to the point I started out with. "A person can't </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">plan</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> intimate moments of clarity."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">If and when I have an awakening of my own, it will be unexpected and wonderful. That's the nature (and the definition) of an epiphany<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">.</span> They are sudden and intuitive and triggered by simple, commonplace experiences. There is no trumpet or fanfare, no soundtrack or fireworks, and certainly no rainbows or shooting stars. They are quiet moments of reflection that tiptoe softly and whisper wonderful truths in your ear.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">So I will keep searching and hoping to hear that quiet voice of understanding, but in the meantime... it's time to stop organizing the gala receptions for its arrival. </span><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-41242471362575500312017-03-25T00:29:00.003-06:002017-03-25T00:29:35.707-06:00Progress(?)I'd like to start by saying up front that I had a terrible day. Work issues, family drama, killer headache, etc.<br />
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And yet somehow, as I sit here in the living room at midnight, with my cat looking down at me from the top of her cat tree - clearly hoping for a game of "shiny thing on a stick"- I am <i>actually</i> contented.<br />
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Anyone who knows me or who has read my previous posts will know what an unusual state this is for me, and I am totally baffled by its presence. Days like today usually reduce me to a quivering mess. True, I had a bit of a meltdown earlier, but it passed<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">!</span> And even though I am thinking back over the rottenness of the day, it is with an objective eye<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">!</span><br />
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What a wonderful feeling, to know that somehow I have emerged from today on a good note<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">!</span> My life is still far from perfect (whose is<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">!</span>) but if I were keeping score, I think I finally feel like I can add one to the win column<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">!</span> Yay ME<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-15418550673375307202017-03-22T21:12:00.000-06:002017-07-29T16:50:31.759-06:00Ghosts...Today I got to hold my brand new niece for the very first time. She wasn't even 24 hours old yet and her little nose is cute as cute as a button. She has a head full of hair which the nurses have styled to look (in my opinion) like an adorable Who from Whoville, and even though I didn't get to see them, her mother says she has the sweetest little dimples. She is going to fit in perfectly with my sister and her husband's "pack", and even as I write, I'm surrounded by the little lady's older brothers (two loving pooches and a snuggly cat).<br />
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I am super excited for my little sis as she begins the wonderful adventure of parenthood, but there is also a part of me that is very envious of her happiness. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not pining for a baby (or even a husband) of my own. In fact, being a teacher for 15 years has pretty much sucked out and pulverized most of my maternal desires. I am continually surrounded by enough of other people's children to remind me about all the positive aspects of being childless. And I have had enough chats with married friends to appreciate the benefits of being single<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">!</span><br />
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BUT... there is still a deep dark corner of my heart that is haunted by the dreams of yesteryear. <br />
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When I was young I expected to find my Prince Charming and live happily ever after in our "house of dreams" with 3 or 4 kids, a dog, a cat, and maybe even a pony. As I got older, the house changed shape and the pony faded away, but I still always expected the rest of it. I planned on it. I waited for it. But of course that wasn't what life had in store for me. And as the years passed, the rest of the dream began to fade too. <br />
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I have mourned for its loss and (mostly) made peace with reality, but the echos of that dream will never truly go away. Not when I am surrounded by family and friends who somehow found the magic gate into my girlhood fairytale. My job has been invaluable in this process (see above), but on days like this one, I can feel the absence (or is it presence?) of my "dream family" in much the same way I imagine an amputee can sometimes still feel their missing limb(s).<br />
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So tonight, as I am sitting with the boys, I have fought back the same lonely tears I have cried so many times before as I contemplate the way my life deviated from my plans.<br />
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And then I spent two hours online reading posts on <a href="https://www.alcarraway.com/" target="_blank"><u>Al Carraway's</u></a> blog. She is an amazing woman who has faced much more opposition and disappointment than I have, but somehow she always seems to find the upside to things. She is as optimistic as I am pessimistic, and I wish that somehow I could be a little more like her. But most all, reading her words of encouragement and hope have given me enough strength to stand up and walk a little further down my metaphorical path... at least for tonight... And in the end, that's all a person can really hope for.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-80576906602408397602017-02-24T20:05:00.001-07:002017-02-24T20:07:00.019-07:00Good Thing Today:Pretty much for as long as I can remember, my mother has been telling me to "Focus on the good things." Being a chronic pessimist, this is rather difficult, but I suppose it makes sense. I can't expect to achieve happiness if all I ever do is dwell on the crappy parts of my life.<br />
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All day my frame of mind has been very similar to last night, (plus a little extra depression because I made a credit card payment and saw the size - such as it is - of my bank account). But in the vein of following Mom's advice, I am going to start trying to post good things that happen to me. Then, even if no one else ever reads them, when I'm having a "depths of despair" day, I can go back and remind myself that at some point, something positive happened.<br />
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So what is the good thing that happened today? Well I just got a hug and a big slobbery hello from this adorable guy:<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-56985132351768974902017-02-24T19:40:00.001-07:002017-02-24T19:47:54.227-07:00Don't Let The Fear Win<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->Such a
strange phrase, and yet so completely applicable to my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It comes from an episode of Midsomer Murders
where Faith Alexander, an empty-nester from America,
flies to England
to meet her uncle, who was estranged from her late mother for more than
forty years. Unfortunately, she's too late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her uncle was murdered just hours before she arrived, but over the
course of the investigation she discovers that she had, in fact, met him once
before, when she was a girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though he
hadn't introduced himself, he had shared the above advice, and years later,
that simple phrase finally means something to her. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Faith realizes that she has spent a lifetime
letting Fear dictate her choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
had led her to marry a pathetic jerk who made up stories about her to
manipulate and steal from her relatives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It had kept her from pursuing a meaningful career.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had even kept her from wearing the clothes
that she wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And once she realizes
that it is only her Fear holding her back, Faith is able to chuck her useless
husband and her boring wardrobe and start all over again with a new outlook and
a new spring in her step.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
So why do I
bring all this up?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because, like Faith,
I have spent a lifetime "letting the Fear win"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am afraid of everyone and everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fear keeps me from doing big things and
little things and everyday in-between things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am a Fear Minion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever it
tells me, I follow without question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not
because I want to, but because I feel powerless to resist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My Fear is all consuming and all
encompassing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When Faith
finally realized that she had allowed Fear to overtake her agency, she was
able to snap her fingers (metaphorically) and begin righting the wrongs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the end of the episode she had left her
husband, gotten a makeover/better wardrobe, and had arranged to travel across Europe with her new best friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life, however, is never as clean and
efficient as fiction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lifetime of
submission to anxiety is not overcome over the course of a weekend, any more
than you can click your heels three times and wish yourself back to Kansas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It takes work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hard work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Painful work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this is the
work I know that I have to begin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Somehow.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So where do
I start? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do I build defenses?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do I keep the Fear from winning? </div>
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<br /></div>
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Or maybe,
it isn't about building defenses at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe I need to change my point of view.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Fear is the opposite of Faith (Anyone else see what the Midsomer writers
did there?), so perhaps what I really need is to bolster my Faith.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once again, easy enough said, right?
Strengthening Faith is just as difficult as overcoming Fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Prayer, scripture study, all the Sunday
School answers, is that what I mean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
don't really know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe just sitting
here at my desk, pondering the abstract concepts, is the so-necessary first
step.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Don't let
the Fear win.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have often repeated the
phrase, almost like a mantra, as I watch myself do the exact opposite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I could be like Faith Alexander and
say to myself, "It stops today", but of course that would be a
foolish invitation to failure. Simply saying the words doesn't make it so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it did, I would be five inches taller, a
LOT thinner, much wealthier, and I would live in a medieval styled castle (but
with all the mod-cons) along with my cat, a few beagles, and a pony (which
would obviously clean up its own poop).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Simply
wishing for something isn't enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
Dr. Kelso said on Scrubs, "Life is scary. Get used to it . . . There are no
magical fixes. It's all up to you. So get up off your keister, get out of here,
and go start doing the work . . . Nothing in this world that's worth having comes
easy."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life is scary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And it's all up to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to
stop waiting for a magical fix and start doing the work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's the only way to keep the Fear from
winning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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What a terrifying thought<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">!</span></div>
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<![endif]--><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-23441627313524892512017-02-23T22:31:00.001-07:002017-02-23T22:36:31.719-07:00Difficult night...So today during lunch I wrote something to post when I got home, but my laptop is still safely strapped in its case and is likely to stay that way until some time tomorrow. Tonight I'm stuck in one of my cyclical, OCD, hypochondriac episodes, and I'm pretty much falling apart. I talked to my sister about it because she has demons of her own, and she told me that when I get this stuck I need to find a way to break the cycle, because stress and fear can be like an addiction.<br />
<br />
I don't really know WHAT will break the cycle, so I've been reading some quotes from Lucille Ball. Cause Lucy is just awesome, and I wish I had A HUNDRETH of her confidence and self-esteem.<br />
<br />
Here are a few that seem to apply tonight:<br />
<br />
<br />
"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimisim a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."<br />
<br />
<br />
"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy."<br />
<br />
<br />
"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. Your really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”<br />
<br />
<br />
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1335459139373818157.post-63728833648070596862017-02-18T14:49:00.000-07:002017-02-18T14:58:17.104-07:00Be Happy -> Do Happy -> Get HappyWelcome to Bananalicious...<br />
<br />
I recently read a quote which, while steeped in long words and borderline manger speak, essentially pointed out that in our society we live our lives backwards: we get things, so we can do things, so we can be things. While what we should be doing is being things, so we can do things, so we can get things. We should be who we are, so we can do what we need, to get what we truly want.<br />
<br />
This quote struck a nerve. I am a person who has been fighting depression, chronic stress, chronic anxiety, and chronic fear for most of my adult life. For much of that time I was content to stew in my own psychological filth and feel sorry for myself, but for a long time now, I have wanted to change. I have wanted something more. What I really want is to be HAPPY.<br />
<br />
So will the above formula work? Can I achieve happiness simply by turning around my thinking process? If I act like I'm happy, will this encourage me to do things that happy people do? And will that in turn actually bring me real happiness? It's an intriguing idea, and one I'm willing to try.<br />
<br />
So first things first, I decided to revamp my blog. Again. I deleted all my old posts so that I can start from scratch with a new "happy centered" frame of mind. I removed all negativity from the other pages, and I'm going to start posting happy thoughts. If no one but myself ever reads them, that's ok, because it's the exercise of DOING that is supposed to be beneficial. Maybe if I start focusing on the good things in my life, I will be able to let go of some of the terrible negativity that's been weighing me down for so long.<br />
<br />
And maybe (fingers crossed), a few months down the line, I will be able to look back and see that it's not all just an act anymore...<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0