Monday, August 14, 2017

There is nothing quite so special as lunch with your sweet sister...

Saturday, August 12, 2017


So tonight I ran to the Walmart to pick up a few things.  It was supposed to be a quick in and out trip, 30 minutes at the most.  But instead, I ran into a friend and ended up standing there, talking and laughing while her eleven year old daughter waited with anxious boredom, for almost an hour.

I am officially old.  And I think I may be my mother now too...

Saturday, July 29, 2017

First Good Day In Months... So Far...

Just got back from having lunch with my two oldest friends.  We grew up together and were once the three musketeers, but now we're lucky if we get to see each other once a year.

It was super fun, and super relaxing, and most of all, it was nice to just get out of my head and be free from anxieties for a few hours.

Nothing like childhood friends to make you feel like a kid again...

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Still lost

Another week down, still very confused by my current state of being.  I don't really know if I'm coming or going anymore.  Been fighting off panic all week long over very stupid things which must be dealt with sooner or later, but I just can't face them yet.

And I'm still very weirded out by the lack of physical response to my panic...

Sunday, July 16, 2017

The Fear Won...

Luckily I have an awesome family who kept my head above water and refused to let me drown (metaphorically).  They firmly pushed/prodded/dragged me to see a doctor, and I have now been on anti-anxiety/depression meds for 2 weeks.

Are they helping?  I think so.  I can get out of bed, and I don't feel the weight of the universe trying to smother me anymore.  But the panic has not gone away in entirety.  At this moment I am again fighting off another attack. 

I still need to learn how to battle my triggers and defend against my own negative thoughts. 

This is a strange journey that I never thought I would find myself undertaking.  I am utterly terrified, and yet, because of the meds, there is a strange chasm between my feelings and my physical self that is very foreign.  Which naturally adds even more to my fears.

"Curiouser and curiouser," said Alice.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Lessons the hard way

Yesterday I shot myself in the foot.  Not literally, of course, but the self-sabotage was absolutely real.

You see, for years, I've driven the same route to work in the mornings. Then, last week, because of construction, I was forced to take a different way altogether.  And this new route turned out to be three minutes faster!  So, naturally, I decided the new way would be my new usual.

That brings us to yesterday.  I had first period prep (no students - preparation time), so I decided to sleep a little longer and go in a little later.  Well, as I finally got on the freeway, I looked out to see how full it was, and I panicked.  All the cars were moving, just slowly.  No reason to panic at all.  But my head said "Yikes!  You'll be stuck!  You'll be late!"  So I immediately got right off again.  

But, of course, getting off took me in a whole new direction.  I had to take a rather round-about way just to get back to my old route, and in doing so, I added a good ten minutes to my journey.  During those extra minutes I had a good think, and I realized that the slow down was likely cause by a major exit to another freeway (just a couple miles down the road) and that traffic almost certainly sped up once it passed that crucial point.  So my panic was for nothing!

And here's the really sad part.  If I had just had a little courage, just an eensie bit, I could have BEEN THERE in the same time it took me to get back on that safe, familiar road.

Life lessons?  Probably a million.  But here's the three I take away from the whole debacle.

1. Don't panic.  The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy knew what it was talking about. Panic gets you nowhere.  Of course, this is easier said than done.  I panic easily.  I'm like Scaredy Smurf, only less confident.  

2. Don't second guess yourself.  First instincts are often correct, and doubt usually just makes things fall apart.  If you put thought into making the original decision, trust your judgment.  

3. Sometimes your comfort zone is the worst place you can be.  Going back to what used to work can't always save you from new troubles.  In fact, sometimes it just makes things worse.  Holding still might save a rabbit from being discovered by a predator, but in the middle of the highway it just leads to roadkill.