Such a
strange phrase, and yet so completely applicable to my life.
It comes from an episode of Midsomer Murders
where Faith Alexander, an empty-nester from America,
flies to England
to meet her uncle, who was estranged from her late mother for more than
forty years. Unfortunately, she's too late.
Her uncle was murdered just hours before she arrived, but over the
course of the investigation she discovers that she had, in fact, met him once
before, when she was a girl.
Though he
hadn't introduced himself, he had shared the above advice, and years later,
that simple phrase finally means something to her.
Faith realizes that she has spent a lifetime
letting Fear dictate her choices.
It
had led her to marry a pathetic jerk who made up stories about her to
manipulate and steal from her relatives.
It had kept her from pursuing a meaningful career.
It had even kept her from wearing the clothes
that she wanted.
And once she realizes
that it is only her Fear holding her back, Faith is able to chuck her useless
husband and her boring wardrobe and start all over again with a new outlook and
a new spring in her step.
So why do I
bring all this up? Because, like Faith,
I have spent a lifetime "letting the Fear win" I am afraid of everyone and everything. Fear keeps me from doing big things and
little things and everyday in-between things.
I am a Fear Minion. Whatever it
tells me, I follow without question. Not
because I want to, but because I feel powerless to resist. My Fear is all consuming and all
encompassing. Not fun.
When Faith
finally realized that she had allowed Fear to overtake her agency, she was
able to snap her fingers (metaphorically) and begin righting the wrongs. By the end of the episode she had left her
husband, gotten a makeover/better wardrobe, and had arranged to travel across Europe with her new best friend. Life, however, is never as clean and
efficient as fiction. A lifetime of
submission to anxiety is not overcome over the course of a weekend, any more
than you can click your heels three times and wish yourself back to Kansas. It takes work. Hard work.
Painful work. And this is the
work I know that I have to begin.
Somehow.
So where do
I start? How do I build defenses? How do I keep the Fear from winning?
Or maybe,
it isn't about building defenses at all.
Maybe I need to change my point of view.
Fear is the opposite of Faith (Anyone else see what the Midsomer writers
did there?), so perhaps what I really need is to bolster my Faith. Once again, easy enough said, right?
Strengthening Faith is just as difficult as overcoming Fear. Prayer, scripture study, all the Sunday
School answers, is that what I mean? I
don't really know. Maybe just sitting
here at my desk, pondering the abstract concepts, is the so-necessary first
step.
Don't let
the Fear win. I have often repeated the
phrase, almost like a mantra, as I watch myself do the exact opposite. I wish I could be like Faith Alexander and
say to myself, "It stops today", but of course that would be a
foolish invitation to failure. Simply saying the words doesn't make it so. If it did, I would be five inches taller, a
LOT thinner, much wealthier, and I would live in a medieval styled castle (but
with all the mod-cons) along with my cat, a few beagles, and a pony (which
would obviously clean up its own poop).
Simply
wishing for something isn't enough. As
Dr. Kelso said on Scrubs, "Life is scary. Get used to it . . . There are no
magical fixes. It's all up to you. So get up off your keister, get out of here,
and go start doing the work . . . Nothing in this world that's worth having comes
easy." Life is scary. Fear.
And it's all up to me. I need to
stop waiting for a magical fix and start doing the work. It's the only way to keep the Fear from
winning.
What a terrifying thought!
